You know what’s stressful?
Not being on the same page as the person you’re dating/romancing.
You know how to solve that?
With some real talk.
You know what can be really scary?
You know what’s scarier in anticipation than in actual doing (most of the time)?
that REAL TALK, homes.
So, let’s talk about real talk, shall we?
Real talk is saying the thing that scares you a little, or perhaps utterly shitless. Maybe it scares you because you’re an empath and terrified of hurting or disappointing people’s feelings, so you’ll beat around every bush in the park in order to maintain your stance of innocence when it comes to being the culprit of someone else’s pain and discomfort (yeah, eh hem, my pattern).
Maybe it’s because you’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned (most all of our patterns).
Maybe it’s because you can’t quite get to the bottom of what you’re feeling. You feel hazy and confused and don’t want to misspeak.
Such valid fears for avoiding real talk. Every last one of them.
The thing about real talk though is that you don’t have to overcome your fears of rejection or abandonment or of hurting someone’s feelings in order to have it. The thing about real talk is that all the fears can be invited to the conversation. A good way to initiate real talk is to lead with why the real talk feels terrifying. Allow yourself to be messy about it, allow yourself to have emotion about it, allow yourself to not play it cool. Identify, to the best of your ability what it is that you’re feeling, even if that feeling is confusion, and then open your mouth and start talking. Maybe in the process, you’ll discover your true need, and theirs too. That’s the hope right? That’s how you get back on the same page with one another.
Being on the same page with the people in your life, especially the romantic ones, requires constant courage to speak up about what’s true for you. Maybe it’s as simple as, “Ya know, I’m actually not feeling up for company tonight, can we shoot for another day this week?” all the way to, “I’m noticing an imbalance in our affection and wanted to check in about it because it’s feeling uncomfortable for me. I’ve been afraid to have this conversation because I’m nervous about what I might hear.” Maybe it’s, “this feels so icky for me to admit because jealousy feels like an ugly emotion, but I have to be honest that it’s been showing up lately when you talk about so and so.”
When it comes to having your real talk heard and received, there are a couple of things to keep in mind:
When people feel blamed, judged, or like a “problem”, they tend to shut down, get defensive, feel guilty, repelled, turned off. Think about a time when someone has brought some real talk to you, but it was delivered in a way where you felt blamed or judged. Did you want to move toward that person and open yourself to their truth? Or did you want to create space and channel your energies elsewhere? It’s important that we take responsibility for our feelings, our fears, our stuff -- no matter what it is, or how much it feels like someone else’s fault.
But it’s also important to be raw and as honest as possible. To hold oneself and the other person with compassion, without abandoning your truth in the discomfort.
Remember that the goal is for everyone involved to feel honored and witnessed and encouraged and supported. It’s not just about you and your truth. It’s also not just about them and theirs. It’s about how you can support each other to live authentically, honestly, and harmoniously.
So today, I invite you to practice some real talk. If you don’t have a lover, see if there’s anything stuck in your throat that you’ve been sitting with, afraid of the consequences of your transparency.
If you feel really afraid about a big scary truth, take a baby step and speak a tiny scary truth. Like, “Hey neighbor, it’s 2am and I’m trying to sleep, can you bring the party inside?” (I’m still working up the guts for this one…it’s kind of embarrassing that this scares me so much, but hey, work-in-progress).
Obviously, this message is for me just as much as it is for you.
And seriously, commit to giving yourself mad props and hugs and high-fives no matter how your truth is received by the other party.
It’s always a huge fucking victory to voice something that requires courage. You always deserve to celebrate yourself for that, even if it results in an outcome that you weren’t necessarily vying for.
We have to trust that when we allow our truth to matter, we are putting ourselves in greater alignment with our higher selves, and our dreamier lives. And if people and things fall away in the process, then we also have to trust that it’s exactly how it’s supposed to go to get to exactly where we are supposed to be. And to be cool with not knowing exactly how that journey is supposed to look (but that’s another email conversation).
May your truth set you FREE.
Keep it real.