Today is the eve of my 33rd birthday, an auspicious time, I do believe, for some reflection and a heart purge.
I don’t know bout y’all, but this has been one of those years. Where expansion and contraction are happening simultaneously, where love and loss are experienced as one, where the heart breaks open so damn wide, that the deepest, oldest pain can erupt up and out, spilling over, still spilling, searching for the grace that’s needed to acknowledge that it may take a while for this volcano to empty all the way.
I’ve been doing my best to be as present for this heart wrench as possible. And in so doing, have gleaned some insights that may come in handy for anyone else who is currently hurting, and opting in to feel the f*ck out of their feelings, transforming their pain into that which is holy and powerful.
Here’s what I got:
*CRY. Cry. Cry. and then cry sa’more. Basically, if there’s a cry that’s present inside of you, and you’re in a space where you feel safe enough to release it, let that shit out. Swallowing down a cry is sending the message that it’s not okay to feel how you feel. Which pushes the pain down deeper, rather than mobilizing it up and out. It is always okay to feel how you feel, even if how you feel is broken and sad. The act of catharsis is the healing happening. I’ve been crying up a storm lately, and what I keep reminding myself of is that the brokenness I’m working through in my heart right now is old AF. Something that I inherited, something that is collective, something that is from very early chapters of my life. Something that has re-broken again and again and again in other subsequent chapters. Something that I haven’t gotten entirely serious about tending to until recent events reignited the wounding that has been inside, all along. Basically, there are a lot of tears going down over here. And that’s to be expected, and perfectly okay.
*Yes, It’s uncomfortable as hell to heal your oldest and deepest shit. Which is why so many of us put it off as much as we can, for as long as we can. But there comes these points in our lives where we just can’t put it off any longer. It’s either go through it, or stay stuck. Keep living semi-imprisoned, or open yourself up to the brightest and most loving inner states, relationships and opportunities that are just waiting for you to be receptive enough to enjoy. The only way to get receptive enough is to empty out all that gunk. You know what they say: The only way to is through. And even though it hella sucks, and hurts so so much, you will THANK YOURSELF tremendously on the other side for saying yes to feeling it all and moving it all the way through you. There really is no greater gift that you can give yourself.
*Support is everywhere. Have you noticed that when you’re going through your hardest moments the angels appear on blast? You just get these people entering your field, telling you the perfect things that you need to hear, or you find someone else going through something similar who can hold your pain with you, and vice versa? Or you hear a song that is describing exactly what you are feeling in the very moment you are feeling it? We are never alone in our pain. We are always gifted who and what we need to get through it. Cherish the support in your life, both human and Divine. We needn’t go through it alone.
*This is all happening for you. I know it doesn’t feel that way. I know it feels like punishment. I know it feels like it’s never going to get better or easier. And I know that numbing it seems like a really good idea. But I also really actually do know, without a single doubt, that the worst feeling things that we go through end up becoming the best things for us. We do so much character building when working through our pain. We deepen our compassion, our courage, our understanding, our fortitude. We learn how to love ourselves. We learn how to take care of ourselves. We learn what we need. We learn our boundaries. We learn who and what matters to us. We learn who our people are. We learn how to channel our pain into healthy outlets to become empowered. And then we become powerful. There are no accidents here. Your broken heart is accelerating your evolution.
I could go on and on, as there may not be a topic that I feel more well-versed in than broken heartedness. Like I said, it’s been a long road. But I’m going to wrap it up with a blessing for all the hearts in all the world.
May we heal, love, and show up. May we treat ourselves and each other as tenderly as we would an innocent, beautiful child. May we trust the whole freaking journey. May we seek support when it feels too big to handle on our own. May we assume that most others are navigating big pain as well, and treat them gently, whether they are aware that they are in pain or not. May we choose love, especially when it doesn't come naturally.